The Challenges of a Sexless Marriage
A sexless marriage can be an emotionally draining experience for both partners. The lack of physical intimacy often leads to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and decreased self-esteem. As relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis puts it, “When sex disappears in a relationship, it’s like the canary in the coal mine – a warning sign that something is seriously wrong.”
One of the most significant challenges in a sexless marriage is the increased potential for infidelity. When physical needs aren’t met within the relationship, some individuals may be tempted to seek fulfillment elsewhere. This doesn’t necessarily mean an affair; it could manifest as emotional distance, excessive focus on work, or developing inappropriate attachments to others.
The absence of physical intimacy can also create a widening emotional gap between partners. Hugs, kisses, and sexual contact release oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone.” Without these interactions, couples may find it harder to maintain their emotional connection, leading to feelings of living like “roommates” rather than romantic partners.
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms
Increasingly, couples are opting to sleep in separate bedrooms, a trend that’s been dubbed “sleep divorce.” While this might seem like a red flag, it’s not always a sign of relationship trouble. In fact, for some couples, it can be a practical solution to common sleep-related issues.
Common reasons for couples to sleep separately include:
- Snoring or sleep apnea
- Different sleep schedules due to work or personal preferences
- Restless leg syndrome or other sleep disorders
- Temperature preferences
- Need for personal space
Dr. Sarah Allen, a North Shore-based psychologist, notes that “A lack of sleep can cause relationship issues, including resentment if you are being woken up by snoring. Not getting enough sleep can also cause irritability and fatigue, and if you have other medical issues, lack of sleep can make them worse.”
Sleeping separately can have potential benefits for the relationship. It can lead to better sleep quality, which in turn can improve mood, energy levels, and overall health. This can translate to less irritability and more patience with your partner during waking hours.
However, there are potential drawbacks to consider. Separate bedrooms can lead to a decrease in physical intimacy if couples aren’t intentional about maintaining it. There’s also the risk of emotional disconnection if partners don’t make an effort to spend quality time together before bed or upon waking.
Rebuilding Your Connection
If you find yourself in a sexless marriage with separate bedrooms, all is not lost. There are several strategies you can employ to rebuild your connection:
Communicate Openly and Honestly
The first step is to have an open, honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Avoid blame and focus on expressing your own emotions and needs. For instance, you might say, “I miss the closeness we used to share, and I’d like us to work on rebuilding that intimacy.”
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, the issues underlying a sexless marriage are too complex to tackle alone. Don’t hesitate to seek help from a qualified marriage counselor or sex therapist. As Michele Weiner-Davis often says, “It’s never too late to save a marriage if both partners are willing to do the work.”
Make Time for Non-Sexual Intimacy
Rebuilding physical intimacy doesn’t have to start with sex. Focus on small gestures of affection throughout the day – holding hands, hugging, kissing goodbye in the morning. Dr. Allen suggests, “You can spend time with your spouse in bed before you go to sleep. You can cuddle, talk about your day, read together, watch TV, give each other back rubs or have sex. Afterward, you can go into another room to get the sleep you need.”
Alternatives to Consider
If despite your best efforts, you’re unable to rebuild your connection, there are other options to consider:
Trial Separation
A trial separation can give both partners space to reflect on the relationship and decide if they want to work on rebuilding it. However, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries and expectations for this period.
Open Relationship
Some couples choose to open their relationship to meet their sexual needs. This is a complex decision that requires excellent communication and clear boundaries to work.
Divorce
While divorce should be a last resort, sometimes it’s the healthiest choice for both partners. As Weiner-Davis puts it, “If there’s no desire to work on the relationship, it might be time to consider whether the marriage has run its course.”
FAQs About Sexless Marriages
Can a sexless marriage survive?
Yes, a sexless marriage can survive if both partners are satisfied with the arrangement or are willing to work on rebuilding intimacy. However, it requires open communication and mutual understanding.
Is sleeping apart a sign of an unhappy marriage?
Not necessarily. Many couples sleep apart for practical reasons like snoring or different sleep schedules. The key is maintaining intimacy and connection in other ways.
How can couples keep the spark alive while sleeping separately?
Couples can maintain intimacy by spending quality time together before bed, scheduling regular date nights, and being intentional about physical affection throughout the day.
Does a sexless marriage always lead to divorce?
No, many couples in sexless marriages remain together. However, if the lack of intimacy is causing significant distress to one or both partners, it can lead to relationship breakdown if not addressed.
How often should married couples have sex?
There’s no “normal” frequency for sex in marriage. What matters most is that both partners are satisfied with their level of intimacy.
Can sleeping in separate bedrooms improve a relationship?
For some couples, sleeping separately can improve sleep quality, leading to better moods and more energy for the relationship. However, it’s crucial to maintain intimacy in other ways.
Is it normal to lose sexual desire in a long-term marriage?
It’s common for sexual desire to fluctuate in long-term relationships. However, a complete loss of desire may indicate underlying issues that should be addressed.