Stages of a Marriage Breakdown
When a marriage starts to crumble, it often follows a predictable pattern. Recognizing these stages can help you understand where your relationship stands and what steps you might need to take to save it.
Criticism
The first warning sign often comes in the form of increased criticism. You might find yourself constantly picking at your spouse’s flaws, or vice versa. Instead of addressing issues as a team, you’re setting yourselves up as opponents. For instance, you might start doing more chores around the house just so you can point out how lazy your partner is in comparison.
Stonewalling
As criticism escalates, one or both partners may start to shut down. This is known as stonewalling. You might feel like you’re talking to a brick wall when trying to communicate with your spouse. They might agree that things need to change, but nothing ever does. This stage is characterized by a defensive posture, where any suggestion feels like an attack.
Defensiveness
At this point, you’re no longer working as a team. Every conversation becomes a battle, with each partner trying to deflect blame or turn accusations back on the other. You might find yourself using phrases like “It’s not my fault” or “What about when you did…?” more often than not.
Contempt
The final stage, and the most predictive of divorce, is contempt. This is when you start to feel that your spouse is beneath you, that they’re the “bad” one in the relationship. Contempt often manifests as eye-rolling, sarcasm, or hostile humor. As renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman puts it, “Contempt is the sulfuric acid of love.”
How to save your marriage: 10 essential tips
If you’ve recognized these stages in your own marriage, don’t despair. There are steps you can take to turn things around and fix a marriage that is falling apart.
Identify what made you fall in love
Take a moment to remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. What qualities drew you to them? What experiences did you share that cemented your bond? Reconnecting with these positive memories can help reignite the spark in your relationship.
Start listening to each other again
Communication is key in any relationship, but it’s especially crucial when trying to save a marriage. Make a conscious effort to really listen to your spouse without interrupting or planning your response. As Michele Weiner-Davis, author of “Divorce Busting,” advises, “Don’t wait for your partner to be more likable – you be more likable.”
Reflect on what has made your marriage feel broken
Take an honest look at what’s gone wrong in your relationship. Have you grown apart? Has there been infidelity? Has life simply gotten in the way? Understanding the root causes of your problems is the first step in addressing them.
Talk to each other
Once you’ve identified the issues, it’s time to talk about them. Be patient with each other and approach these conversations with a spirit of teamwork rather than blame. Remember, you’re working together to solve a problem, not win an argument.
Don’t let distractions get in the way
It’s easy to let careers, children, and other responsibilities take precedence over your marriage. Make a conscious effort to prioritize your relationship. Set aside dedicated time for each other, even if it’s just a few minutes each day to check in and connect.
Find a way to connect again
Rebuilding your connection might require some creativity. Plan a trip together, start a new hobby as a couple, or simply commit to spending uninterrupted time together each day. As Weiner-Davis suggests, “Ask yourself in what ways have you pulled back from your relationship. Your partner’s distance might be the result of you pulling away, too.”
Commit to each other
Saving a marriage requires commitment from both partners. Make a conscious decision to work on your relationship and stick to it, even when things get tough.
Fix yourself first
While it’s easy to focus on your partner’s faults, true change often starts with self-reflection. Work on improving yourself and addressing your own issues. This can create a positive ripple effect in your relationship.
List your spouse’s positive traits and appreciate
Make an effort to focus on your spouse’s positive qualities. Keep a list of things you appreciate about them and make a point of expressing your gratitude regularly. This can help shift your perspective and create a more positive atmosphere in your relationship.
Get to know each other again
Over time, people change. Take the time to really get to know your spouse again. Ask about their goals, dreams, and fears. Show genuine interest in who they are now, not just who they were when you first met.
Remember, fixing a marriage that is falling apart is possible, but it requires effort, patience, and commitment from both partners. As Weiner-Davis often says, “Small changes can shift the momentum of a relationship in a positive direction.”
FAQs
How do I know if my marriage is beyond repair?
While every situation is unique, signs that a marriage might be beyond repair include ongoing infidelity, unresolved addiction issues, or persistent emotional or physical abuse. If your spouse is unwilling to acknowledge problems or seek help, it may be time to consider other options.
Can a marriage survive infidelity?
Yes, many marriages do survive infidelity. However, it requires both partners to be committed to rebuilding trust and addressing the underlying issues that led to the infidelity. Professional help is often beneficial in these situations.
How long does it typically take to fix a broken marriage?
There’s no set timeline for repairing a marriage. It depends on the issues involved, the commitment of both partners, and the strategies used. Some couples see improvements in a matter of months, while for others, it can be a years-long process.
Is it normal to have doubts about saving a troubled marriage?
Absolutely. Doubts are normal when facing significant relationship challenges. The key is not to let these doubts paralyze you, but to use them as motivation to seek help and work on your relationship.
How can we rebuild trust after it’s been broken?
Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. It involves being transparent, following through on commitments, and showing genuine remorse for past actions. Couples therapy can provide valuable tools and strategies for this process.
What if my spouse isn’t interested in working on our marriage?
If your spouse is resistant to working on the marriage, start by focusing on your own personal growth. Sometimes, positive changes in one partner can inspire the other. If this doesn’t work, consider seeking individual therapy to help you decide on your next steps.
How important is physical intimacy in saving a marriage?
Physical intimacy is an important component of most marriages, but it’s not the only factor. While rekindling physical intimacy can help bring couples closer, it’s equally important to work on emotional intimacy and communication.