Stages of a Marriage Breakdown
As a marriage counselor with over 30 years of experience, I’ve seen countless couples go through various stages of marital distress. Understanding these stages can help you recognize where your relationship stands and take steps to address issues before they become insurmountable.
Criticism
The first stage often begins with criticism. You might find yourself constantly pointing out your partner’s flaws or feeling like they’re always finding fault with you. This goes beyond constructive feedback – it’s a pattern of negativity that can erode the foundation of your relationship.
For instance, instead of saying “I feel overwhelmed with housework,” you might say, “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy!” This kind of criticism attacks the person rather than addressing the issue.
Stonewalling
As criticism continues, one or both partners may start to stonewall. This is when you emotionally withdraw from interactions, refusing to engage in meaningful conversations or problem-solving. You might physically turn away, avoid eye contact, or give one-word responses.
I once worked with a couple where the husband would literally leave the room whenever his wife tried to discuss their issues. This behavior left her feeling unheard and invalidated, further damaging their connection.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness often follows as a natural response to criticism. Instead of listening to your partner’s concerns, you might make excuses, counter-attack, or play the victim. This creates a cycle where neither partner feels heard or understood.
For example, if your spouse says, “You forgot to pay the electric bill again,” a defensive response might be, “Well, if you hadn’t spent so much money on your shopping spree, we would have had enough in the account!”
Contempt
The final and most damaging stage is contempt. This is when you start to view your partner with disdain, treating them with disrespect through mockery, eye-rolling, or hostile humor. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, according to research by Dr. John Gottman.
I’ve seen couples where one partner would consistently belittle the other’s career choices or parenting skills. This kind of behavior destroys the mutual respect essential for a healthy marriage.
Signs Your Marriage is Falling Apart
Recognizing the signs of a failing marriage is crucial for addressing issues before they become irreparable. Here are some key indicators to watch out for:
You’ve Started to Grow Apart
If you find that you and your spouse no longer share common interests or enjoy spending time together, it could be a sign that you’re growing apart. This doesn’t mean you need to do everything together, but a lack of shared experiences can lead to emotional distance.
You Rarely Spend Any Time Together and Feel Awkward When You Do
Do you find yourself making plans with friends or family instead of your spouse? When you do spend time together, does it feel forced or uncomfortable? This avoidance and awkwardness can be a clear sign that your connection is fading.
Financial Problems
Money issues are one of the leading causes of marital stress. If you’re constantly arguing about finances or hiding spending from each other, it’s time to address these problems head-on.
Cheating and Addiction
Infidelity and substance abuse can deal devastating blows to a marriage. While recovery is possible with commitment and professional help, these issues often signal deep-rooted problems in the relationship.
You Feel a Lot of Contempt and Resentment Towards Your Spouse
If you find yourself consistently feeling disgusted or resentful towards your partner, it’s a major red flag. Contempt erodes the foundation of respect and affection necessary for a healthy marriage.
You Don’t Look Forward to a Future Together
When you think about your future, do you envision your spouse by your side? If not, it might be time to reevaluate your commitment to the relationship.
Ways to Save Your Marriage
Even if your marriage is showing signs of trouble, there are steps you can take to turn things around. Here are some strategies I’ve seen work for countless couples in my practice:
Open and Honest Communication
The foundation of any healthy relationship is open, honest communication. Set aside time to really talk with your spouse about your feelings, concerns, and hopes for the future. Use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming, such as “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together” rather than “You never make time for me.”
Seek Professional Help Through Marriage Counseling
Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional. A skilled marriage counselor can provide you with tools and techniques to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and rebuild your connection. I’ve seen couples on the brink of divorce turn their relationships around with the right guidance and commitment.
Focus on Rebuilding Intimacy and Shared Interests
Reconnect with your spouse by finding activities you both enjoy. This could be as simple as taking a walk together each evening or trying a new hobby as a couple. Physical intimacy is also crucial – even small gestures like holding hands or hugging can help rebuild your bond.
Moving On After Separation
If, despite your best efforts, you find that separation is inevitable, it’s important to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
Practice Self-Care
Make sure you’re taking care of your physical and emotional health. This might include regular exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Lean on Your Support System
Don’t isolate yourself during this challenging time. Reach out to friends, family, or a support group. Having people to talk to and lean on can make a world of difference as you navigate this transition.
Give Yourself Time and Space
Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve the end of your marriage. It’s okay to take time to process your emotions and rediscover who you are as an individual.
FAQs
How do I know if my marriage is really over?
While every situation is unique, signs that a marriage may be beyond repair include persistent contempt, a complete breakdown in communication, ongoing infidelity with no remorse, or when one partner is no longer willing to work on the relationship.
Can a marriage be saved if only one person wants to try?
It’s challenging, but possible. One person’s efforts can sometimes inspire the other to recommit. However, long-term success usually requires both partners to be invested in saving the marriage.
How long should we try to save our marriage before considering divorce?
There’s no set timeframe, but I generally recommend giving serious effort for at least six months to a year, ideally with professional help, before making a final decision about divorce.
Is it normal to have doubts about my marriage?
Yes, it’s normal to have occasional doubts. What matters is how you address these doubts and whether you’re willing to work through challenges together.
How can we rebuild trust after infidelity?
Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment from both partners. It often involves complete transparency from the unfaithful partner, ongoing honest communication, and usually professional counseling to work through the betrayal.
Can financial problems really ruin a marriage?
Financial stress can certainly strain a marriage, but it doesn’t have to ruin it. Open communication about finances, creating a budget together, and seeking financial counseling if needed can help couples navigate money issues.