Bad Habits That Lead to a Sexless Marriage
When it comes to a sexless marriage, it’s easy to blame external factors like stress, hormones, or the natural ebb and flow of desire over time. However, the truth is that many of the habits we unconsciously adopt in our relationships can contribute to the gradual decline of intimacy and passion.
One of the most common culprits is avoidance. As Michele Weiner-Davis, author of “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” explains, “Too many couples view sex-starved marriage not just as a major problem but as a permanent one.” This mindset can lead to a vicious cycle of avoiding each other, especially around bedtime and mornings when intimacy is more likely to occur.
Another habit that can erode physical intimacy is a lack of affection and touch. As the excitement of the early stages of your relationship fades, you may find yourselves staying on separate chairs while watching TV or neglecting simple gestures like holding hands or cuddling on the couch. These small acts of physical connection can be powerful reminders of the bond you share and can help to keep the spark alive.
“Few of us are want to open up and be sexual when we are feeling irritated, depressed, or anxious,” Weiner-Davis notes. By neglecting to make an effort for intimacy and allowing negative emotions to take over, you’re essentially shutting down the possibility of physical connection before it even has a chance to blossom.
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage
While it’s easy to fall into these bad habits, the good news is that they can be just as easily broken. The key is to approach the issue with a positive mindset and a willingness to put in the effort to reignite the passion.
Start by reconnecting as friends. As Weiner-Davis advises, “Planned Parenthood had a chart of sex that involved first being friends. You know, showing interest, listening, being empathetic.” When you approach your partner with genuine care and concern, it can help to create an emotional intimacy that can pave the way for physical intimacy.
From there, begin to introduce better habits that foster physical connection. This could involve simple gestures like touching each other when sex is off the table, kissing each other good night and good morning, or even agreeing that it’s going to feel awkward at first and being okay with that. As the famous saying goes, “Fake it till you make it” – by acting as if you’re a passionate couple, you may just find that the desire starts to follow.
One of the most important steps is to let go of performance anxiety and be willing to be aroused. As Weiner-Davis explains, “Forget all the concern about whether your genitals will perform as you expect them to. A lack of sex means a lack of arousal. That’s the first hurdle.” By removing the pressure and focusing on the journey of sharing your sexuality with one another, you can create a safe space for intimacy to blossom.
It’s also essential to find your conditions for good sex. What lighting, mood, or environment helps you feel most comfortable and open? By creating an environment that is conducive to intimacy, you’re setting yourself up for success.
As you begin to explore physical intimacy again, it’s important to practice the art of accepting and rejecting sexual overtures. Weiner-Davis suggests framing rejections as “rain checks” and working out the language ahead of time. This can help to remove any feelings of rejection or disappointment and keep the lines of communication open.
Additionally, tap into good moods and reminisce about past intimacy. As Weiner-Davis advises, “Consider sharing pleasant or exciting sexual memories. ‘I was thinking how much I love you and about that time in New Hampshire when we….'” These positive associations can help to reignite the desire and remind you of the passion you once shared.
Finally, don’t put too much pressure on yourselves. Weiner-Davis encourages couples to “lower the bar for what constitutes ‘real sex.'” Agree on attainable goalposts, such as “If we’re both aroused for longer than 10 minutes, it counts as ‘real sex,'” or “If we get naked and soap each other and laugh in the shower, it counts as ‘real sex.'” By taking the pressure off and focusing on the journey, you can rediscover the joy and playfulness of intimacy.
Mindset Shift
Ultimately, fixing a sexless marriage requires a shift in mindset. As Weiner-Davis emphasizes, “States come and go. Traits define you.” Rather than viewing a sexless marriage as a permanent trait, it’s important to recognize it as a temporary state that can be changed with effort and commitment.
Approach the process with a positive attitude and patience. As Weiner-Davis reminds us, “Starting up sexuality in a sexless marriage is going to take effort. But it’s a collaboration of the best kind.” Celebrate small victories and don’t get discouraged if progress is slow. With time and dedication, you can reignite the passion and rediscover the deep physical and emotional connection that brought you together in the first place.
FAQs
Q: Is sex once a month considered a sexless marriage?
A: Most professionals agree that a sexless marriage is one in which sex occurs less than once a month or less than ten times per year. While once a month would not technically be considered a sexless marriage by this measurement, a more important barometer is whether or not the lack of sex bothers you or your partner.
Q: How long do sexless marriages typically last?
A: A sexless marriage can last a lifetime if you let it. Many couples fall into the trap of thinking that sexless marriages are “normal,” but if one or both partners are unhappy, that is never a healthy situation. Rather than asking whether a sexless marriage can survive, ask yourself: Do you want it to?
Q: Do you have to stay faithful in a sexless marriage?
A: Yes, staying faithful is essential in any marriage, regardless of the state of your sex life. A sexless marriage does not justify infidelity. The temptation not to stay faithful is a symptom of a larger problem – a problem that can be fixed if you’re willing to put in the work.
Q: What percentage of sexless marriages end in divorce?
A: There are no definitive statistics on the percentage of sexless marriages that end in divorce, but chances are that the rate is higher than the overall divorce rate in America, which is around 50%. However, some couples manage to convince themselves that a sexless marriage is nothing to worry about, and those marriages can last a lifetime, even if they are unfulfilling.
Q: Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?
A: A sexless marriage can be grounds for an at-fault divorce, especially if one partner is purposely withholding sex as a punishment or if one partner wants to work on the issue and the other refuses to seek help. However, a sexless marriage can also be the catalyst a couple needs to overcome deep relationship issues and reconnect with one another.
Q: How do you bring up the issue of a sexless marriage with your partner?
A: Approach the conversation with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude. Use “I” statements to express how the lack of intimacy makes you feel, and be open to listening to your partner’s perspective as well. Avoid blame or criticism, and focus on finding a solution together.
Q: What if my partner isn’t interested in fixing our sexless marriage?
A: If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge or work on the issue, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a licensed marriage counselor or sex therapist. They can provide objective perspectives and tools to help you communicate more effectively and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to the lack of intimacy.
Remember, a fulfilling sex life is an important part of a healthy marriage, but it takes effort and commitment from both partners. With patience, open communication, and a willingness to break old habits and try new approaches, you can reignite the passion and rediscover the deep physical and emotional connection that brought you together in the first place.