Understanding Anger in Marriage
Anger is a powerful emotion that can quickly spiral out of control in a marriage if not handled properly. It’s a natural response when you feel threatened or when your rights are violated, but it can also be an immediate reaction when your loved one is harmed or attacked. Physiologically, anger triggers your “fight or flight” response, putting you in a defensive posture where you’re no longer listening to your spouse but protecting yourself.
The Bible writer James compares angry words to a small spark that can cause a raging wildfire (James 3:5). Can you recall a time when your spouse’s harsh words cut you to the heart? One misplaced word can wound deeply. Angry words are like arrows – we let them fly and can’t easily get them back again, even after apologizing.
It’s essential to know your argument style and how you typically express anger. Are you an expresser who verbalizes anger immediately and aggressively? Or are you a suppressor who tries to forget the offense and sweep it under the rug? Some people even resort to passive-aggressive behavior, indirectly expressing anger through snarky comments, sarcasm, or sabotaging their spouse’s plans.
Strategies for Handling Conflict Before an Argument
To prevent arguments from escalating, it’s crucial to respect the power of anger and understand your argument style. As psychologist David Ross says, “Anger is the red warning light on the dashboard of your life. When you get angry, let it be a signal to you… I need to take steps to make it right and I need to do in a way that does not harm the people I love the most.”
Before an argument, take the time to know your partner’s argument style as well. Are they an expresser who needs to voice their frustrations immediately? Or a suppressor who might bottle up their emotions? Having this awareness can help you approach conflicts more effectively.
When you’re both calm, discuss how you’ll prepare for your next argument. Agree on a signal or phrase to call for a time-out, and have a plan for how you’ll each calm down during that break. This proactive approach can help prevent arguments from spiraling out of control.
Strategies for Handling Conflict During an Argument
Even with preparation, arguments can still happen. In the heat of the moment, practice good listening by maintaining eye contact, repeating key points in your own words, and asking questions to understand your partner’s perspective. As the book of Proverbs advises, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (Proverbs 1:19).
Respond in a gentle, non-threatening tone. The Gottmans, renowned relationship experts, recommend a “gentle start-up” when introducing a sensitive topic. A calm demeanor can help your partner feel less defensive and more open to listening.
If tensions rise, take a strategic time-out. Even 10-15 seconds of quiet thought can change the flow of a conversation. Agree on a reasonable time frame for the break, like 15-60 minutes, and use that time to calm down through activities like prayer, deep breathing, or going for a walk.
Throughout the argument, attack the issue at hand, not your partner’s character. Avoid global qualifiers like “you never” or “you always,” and stick to discussing one problem at a time. The goal is not to win or be right, but to learn how to resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise in every marriage.
Strategies for Resolving Conflict After an Argument
The repair work after an argument is just as important as the preparation beforehand. If you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings, offer a genuine apology and don’t go to bed angry. If the issue remains unresolved, agree on a time and place to revisit it when you’re both calmer.
When you return to the discussion, focus on one issue at a time. If you’re the one who was hurt, initiate the process of forgiveness. As the Bible says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Forgiveness doesn’t require your partner’s participation, but reconciliation does. The goal of forgiveness is to restore your relationship and move forward together. As John Gottman’s research shows, “it is not how couples fought that mattered, but how they made up.”
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do I bring up a sensitive topic without starting an argument?
Use a gentle start-up by introducing the topic with a calm demeanor and non-threatening tone. For example, “I know this is a sensitive subject, but I’d like to discuss it because it’s important to me.” Avoid criticism or blame, and express your feelings using “I” statements.
2. What if my partner refuses to take a time-out during an argument?
Explain that a brief break can help you both calm down and approach the discussion more productively. If they still refuse, you may need to remove yourself from the situation until you’ve both had time to cool off.
3. How do I forgive my spouse for a major betrayal or hurt?
Forgiveness is a process, and it’s okay to seek professional counseling or support groups to work through the pain and anger. Remember that forgiveness is for your own healing and doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation – that requires your spouse’s participation and effort as well.
4. What if we keep arguing about the same issues over and over?
Identify the root cause of the recurring conflict and address that underlying issue directly. It may also help to change your approach or bring in a neutral third party, like a counselor, to provide a fresh perspective.
5. How can I stay calm during an argument when my spouse is yelling or being disrespectful?
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your spouse’s behavior is a reflection of their own emotional state, not a personal attack on you. If the situation remains too heated, call for a time-out and revisit the discussion when you’ve both had a chance to cool down.
6. My spouse and I have completely different argument styles. How can we find common ground?
Discuss your different styles openly and agree on a compromise that allows both of you to feel heard and respected. For example, the expresser can agree to speak more calmly, while the suppressor commits to voicing their feelings more directly.
By implementing these strategies for conflict resolution, you and your spouse can learn to navigate disagreements in a healthier, more productive way – ultimately strengthening your marriage and deepening your connection.