Sharing Love Maps
At the heart of John Gottman’s principles lies the concept of “love maps” – a deep, intimate understanding of your partner’s inner world. It’s about knowing the little details that make them who they are, from their favorite foods and hobbies to their deepest fears and aspirations. When you truly share love maps, you’re not just living parallel lives; you’re intertwined on a profound level.
As Weiner-Davis often shares with her clients, “Love is in the details. Happy couples are intimately familiar with their partner’s world, and that rich, detailed love map is the foundation for lasting intimacy and passion.”
Building these love maps is an ongoing process, a journey of continuous discovery. Gottman provides exercises to help couples start mapping each other’s worlds, but the real magic happens in those everyday moments when you pause to ask, “Tell me what’s important to you right now,” or “Help me understand what you’re going through.”
Nurturing Fondness and Admiration
It’s easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and annoying habits, especially when tensions are high. But as Weiner-Davis reminds us, “Nurturing fondness and admiration is crucial. Happy couples honor and respect each other, even as they grapple with each other’s imperfections.”
She often shares a simple yet powerful exercise with her clients: “Tell each other three or more of your partner’s positive characteristics, along with an incident that illustrates each quality.” This simple act of appreciating your partner’s best qualities can rekindle the fondness and admiration that may have faded over time.
It’s not about ignoring your partner’s flaws; it’s about choosing to focus on the qualities that made you fall in love in the first place. As Weiner-Davis says, “When you innately respect each other as people, great things naturally follow – building each other up, showing appreciation, giving enthusiastic compliments, and so much more.”
Turning Toward Each Other
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s all too easy to turn away from your partner’s “bids for attention” – those little moments when they reach out for emotional connection. But as Gottman’s research shows, couples who consistently turn towards each other build a reservoir of goodwill and positivity that helps them weather life’s storms.
“It’s not about grand romantic gestures,” explains Weiner-Davis. “True romance lives in the everyday little things – a warm embrace, an attentive ear, a shared laugh over a silly inside joke. When you choose to be present and turn towards each other, you’re letting your partner know they can rely on you, and that builds a foundation of trust and intimacy.”
Gottman’s “Magic 5 Hours” exercise helps couples cultivate this habit of turning towards each other, with practices like weekly date nights, stress-reducing conversations, and mindful partings and reunions.
Letting Your Partner Influence You
A healthy marriage is a partnership, and that means allowing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions to influence you. As Weiner-Davis often tells her clients, “Letting your partner influence you doesn’t mean giving up control; it’s a sign of respect, showing that you value their input and are considering their perspective.”
This doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything – disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. But when you approach those disagreements with an open mind, a willingness to compromise, and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s point of view, you create an environment of mutual respect and understanding.
Gottman’s “Island Survival Game” is a fun exercise that helps couples practice this principle in a low-stakes setting. As Weiner-Davis explains, “By learning to mindfully accept influence from one another, even in a hypothetical scenario, you’re building the skills to navigate real-life conflicts with grace and empathy.”
Solving Solvable Problems
Every couple faces two types of problems: solvable ones and perpetual ones. Solvable problems, as the name suggests, can be resolved with effort and compromise from both partners. Weiner-Davis emphasizes the importance of tackling these solvable issues head-on, using Gottman’s five-step model:
- Start with a soft approach, free from criticism or contempt.
- Learn to make and receive “repair attempts” – those little gestures that deescalate tension.
- Take a break if you need to calm down, and help your partner do the same.
- Compromise by finding a solution you can both live with.
- Accept each other’s imperfections and let go of the “if only” syndrome.
“By solving these solvable problems,” Weiner-Davis explains, “you’re removing roadblocks and paving the way for a stronger, more harmonious relationship.”
Overcoming Gridlock
Perpetual problems, on the other hand, are those deep-rooted issues that seem to defy resolution. But as Gottman’s research shows, the key isn’t necessarily solving the problem itself; it’s learning to have healthy, productive dialogues about it.
“Gridlock happens when couples get stuck in a cycle of unfulfilled dreams or desires,” says Weiner-Davis. “The path forward is to understand the root of the issue, communicate calmly, express your areas of flexibility and non-negotiability, and end with gratitude and appreciation for each other’s efforts.”
By adopting this approach, couples can move from gridlock to genuine understanding, even if the underlying issue remains unresolved. As Weiner-Davis often reminds her clients, “It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about building a foundation of trust, empathy, and mutual respect.”
Creating Shared Meaning
A marriage is more than just a legal contract or a practical arrangement; it’s a union of two souls, a shared journey through life. Weiner-Davis emphasizes the importance of creating a rich, meaningful inner life together, one filled with rituals, symbols, and a deep appreciation for each other’s roles and goals.
“It’s about building your own unique micro-culture as a couple,” she explains. “From planning your partner’s favorite meal after a hard day to encouraging each other’s dreams and passions, these shared experiences create a tapestry of intimacy and affection that binds you together.”
Gottman’s exercises in this area include crafting family rituals, exploring each other’s perspectives on roles and goals, and identifying the symbols and stories that represent the essence of your relationship. As Weiner-Davis says, “When you create shared meaning together, you’re weaving a narrative that transcends the everyday challenges and reminds you of the profound love that brought you together in the first place.”
FAQs
1. Can these principles really save a struggling marriage?
Absolutely. While no approach is a magic fix, Gottman’s principles have been proven effective through decades of research and countless success stories. The key is committing to the work, being open and vulnerable with your partner, and seeking professional help if needed.
2. What if my partner isn’t willing to participate?
It’s certainly easier when both partners are invested, but you can still benefit from applying these principles to your own behavior and mindset. Often, when one partner starts making positive changes, it can inspire the other to follow suit. However, if your partner remains unwilling, counseling may be necessary.
3. Do these principles work for same-sex couples?
Yes, Gottman’s principles are universally applicable to all committed relationships, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
4. How long does it take to see results?
Every couple is different, but many report feeling a positive shift in their relationship within a few weeks of consistently applying these principles. However, true transformation takes time and sustained effort. Be patient, stay committed, and trust the process.
5. Can these principles help prevent divorce?
Absolutely. By building a strong foundation of friendship, respect, and shared meaning, couples are better equipped to navigate challenges and overcome the kinds of issues that often lead to divorce. However, in some cases, professional counseling may be necessary to address deeper wounds or patterns.
6. Is it ever too late to apply these principles?
It’s never too late to start working on your relationship. Even couples on the brink of separation or divorce can benefit from Gottman’s principles and rebuild their connection. The key is committing to the process with an open heart and mind.